This is the 144th post for the 'Running In the Yard' blog. Over the entire three-year history of my blog(s), the actual number is somewhat higher - a few of the earlier posts didn't get 'reconstituted' when I started back up, almost a year ago, and a few posts from my 'Second Blog' were repeats from my 'First Blog', and it didn't make sense for me to re-post both copies.
Confused?
Well, this is also close to the third anniversary of my presence as a blogger in Blog-space, so maybe in honor of that, combined with my 144th post (which, for the math geeks among my readers, is also 100-base-twelve) (because yeah, that's just the incredibly nerdy way I roll sometimes), it is an opportune moment to indulge in a brief retrospective of my blogging life; you would be very kind to bear with me. . .
I discovered Blog-space sometime in the fall of 2005. I think that, at the time, I was bored with work, and took to surfing the web to alleviate my boredom. Initially, I found folks like Digger and FTN, who, would talk about their Christian commitment in the context of their marriages and daily life in general, and I found them encouraging, in helping me to at least take a 'Christian' approach to Blog-space.
For several months, I just lurked occasionally. I left my first comment on FTN's blog in March of 2006 (I don't know if that was the first comment I left anywhere, or not; but the other possibilities no longer exist, so I can't check them out). For the next couple months, I lived in Blog-space as a lurker-cum-comment-gadfly. Initially, I commented anonymously, but within a couple weeks, I adopted the 'Desmond Jones' pseudonym (taken from the Beatles song, 'Ob-la-di, ob-la-da', for those who haven't yet figured it out; I had used it a couple times for entries in the office NCAA pool, and the 'life-goes-on' vibe seemed to fit, along with the whole 'happy-family' bit) (maybe more ironically than I wished, but for blogging purposes, it worked well).
At one point, I complained to one of the bloggers I dropped in on from time to time (her blog no longer exists) that her blog wouldn't let me leave a comment, because I didn't have a blogger account. So, by way of addressing my 'problem', she opened a new blog for me, which she called 'Desmond's Place'. "So now you've got a blog," she said. "Knock yourself out."
I put up my first post on May 19, 2006. My first few posts were of the 'About Me' variety, introducing myself, Molly and our kids, and I told a few of the stories that described the 'boundary conditions' of our life - most especially, our troubles with our kids. And for a month or two, I was finding my 'sea legs' in Blog-space.
That July, I spent a goodly bit of my summer break (the company I work for observes a 'summer shutdown' week) - a little too goodly, as it turned out - tending my new bloggity toy, which irked Molly a bit, and she complained that I was spending too much time in Blog-world, and not enough in the real world, where she and our kids needed my attention (and more to the point, my 'mental energy'). So, impulsive creature that I am (and ever-obedient to my wife; sort-of), I shut down my blog. Actually, I didn't completely shut down the blog - I deleted all the posts, but left the blog itself in place. And thus ended the First Incarnation of my blog.
I didn't leave Blog-space, though - I just reverted to my earlier status as a 'comment gadfly'. For about a month. By the middle of August, 2006, I thought that, perhaps, I could take a sufficiently low-key approach to blogging, that I could remain faithful to my real-world commitments. So I re-posted a few of my favorite posts from the 'First Blog', and started back up.
In some ways, the fall of 2006 was the 'Golden Age' of my blog (such as it was). Amusing and/or thoughtful posts seemed to flow freely from my fingertips, directly into Blog-space. And in the course of it all, I made a few friends - folks like C-Marie, O272, Confused Husband, and Christian Husband (none of whom are actively blogging anymore); and I had some interesting exchanges with Emily from Australia, and Flutterby from Saskatchewan (obviously, I have some affinity for members of the British commonwealth). FTN had his first Real Blogger World House in November 2006, and I was privileged to be one of the participants; that's also where I first met FADKOG, so that was nice. Also in November '06, a couple new blogs popped up, authored by Recovering Soul and Therese in Heaven (I was one of the first to figure out that they were married to each other), and they also became good friends.
In January of 2007, my blogging life suffered a bit of a crisis. I had carried on an on-and-off correspondence with the blogger who had first opened my blog, mostly encouraging her to strengthen her marriage. That January, the correspondence had accumulated to a point where I thought that I should show it to Molly, in the interest of 'full disclosure', and keeping my hands where she could see them, so to speak. Well, Molly didn't like what she saw. Didn't like it at all - which made it a little bit hard for me to trust my ability to run my blog in a way that was appropriate to the 'real world' parameters of my life. And from that point on, the Second Incarnation of my blog was on life support. I ran a few token posts through the cold weather months, but Easter of '07 was the final end. I left the last post up for a couple weeks, and then deleted the blog.
Once again, I stayed active as a 'comment gadfly'. But, for over a year, I was quite happy not to have a blog. I even made a few more friends - hello, Phyllis and Xavier! And also my erstwhile fellow-Michigander and fellow-alum, Bunny; I think I also met Trueself around that time. But of course, as is self-evident, I was eventually moved to start back up again, and what you see before you (for better or worse) is the fruit of that. In June of 2008, I opened 'Running In the Yard', the Third Incarnation of my blog; I restored nearly all of the old posts. I've posted at a slower pace than before - about three posts every two weeks - and I'm not sure that the quality has been what it once was. But, I've made a few more friends - hello, Lime and Cocotte! - and that, to me, has always been the joy of blogging. Last fall, we had the Great Midwestern Blogger Gathering, and a few of us got to 'take it real' with each other, for a couple days. Which was very cool.
Anyway, there are now a full gross of my posts, spread unevenly over the past three years, available for your perusal and (I hope) enjoyment. Maybe even edification; I'll leave it to you all to decide. . .
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Monday, May 11, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Culpably Clueless
The business of the Universe is to make such a fool of you that you will know yourself for one, and so begin to be wise.
-- George MacDonald
-------------------------
There’s the famous scene from When Harry Met Sally, where Harry is telling Sally that men and women can never be ‘just friends’. And I understand what he’s saying. Because of the whole opposite-sex thing, men and women can’t have the same kind of relaxed, carefree friendships that men can have with other men, or women with other women (although, our culture is doing its very best to ‘sexualize’ even same-sex friendships). You always have to ‘be on your guard’, at least on some level, with members of the opposite sex.
I have had, and still have, good friends who are women – people whom I find interesting and challenging, whose company I enjoy. My GF2, who is now Molly’s best friend, is one of those. And virtually all of them are married themselves, which, in its way, is probably helpful – my friendships with the women can happen in the context of a relationship between the two couples. It’s never just ‘one-on-one’ with me and someone else’s wife (or, more to the point, any woman not my wife). But, as a man, and especially as a married man, I always have to ‘watch myself’. A few times in my life, I’ve had to ‘step back’ from a friendship with a married woman, as I’ve begun to recognize within myself an attraction to her (I mentioned one of these to Molly recently, thinking that I had managed to back off gracefully, without the woman knowing what was going on with me; “Oh, she knew,” my wife assured me).
-------------------------
Which brings me to the present day, and the special dynamics of blog-space friendships. My favorite part of blogging is the friendships you form, with all sorts of really fascinating people, both men and women. I don’t think I’m breaking any new news here, but lots of y’all are really interesting, and really great people; that’s why I keep hanging around. And a few of y’all, I’ve gotten to know better, ‘off-blog’, via email, phone calls, or even face-to-face. And I’ve enjoyed every one of those.
But the thing is, the ‘distance’ of blog-space – the fact that, while we’re in blog-space, we aren’t physically present to each other – can make it all seem ‘safe’, moreso than it would be if we all lived in the same neighborhood, and got together for coffee on our lunch hours, instead of sending electrons to each other in different states. And so, we can get a little ‘casual’ with each other, and ‘let our guard down’ with each other, in ways that we wouldn’t, if we were actually physically present to each other. And by and large, that’s not a terribly big deal.
But, I’m aware that, just as I have to be ‘circumspect’ in my real-life friendships with women, I also need to be careful about my opposite-sex blog-space friendships. I don’t want my blog-space friendships to undermine my real-world marriage (and you all know how much I value my marriage, and love my wife). So, I’ve tried to keep things ‘open and above-board’ with Molly – telling her about the various and sundry folks I meet in blog-space, keeping things ‘where she can see them’. Like many bloggers’ spouses, she’s not terribly interested in blogging herself; she’s mainly quite content to treat it as a hobby of mine, and have as little to do with it as she can get away with (even while being generously indulgent of driving multiple hours to another city with me to spend a weekend with a group of y’all). But, from time to time, I’ll print off some of my email exchanges, and have her read them, just to ‘keep me honest’. Just seems like a good idea to me. . .
-------------------------
So, I did that recently – printed off some of my emails, and showed them to Molly. Mostly just to let her see what I’m up to, but also to get the benefit of her eyes, and her mind – am I OK here, or should I be more careful with how I’m relating?
And she got upset. Which totally blind-sided me.
See, some of y’all ladies, I’ve made some strong friendships with. We’ve traded emails, and talked about our lives, sometimes on a pretty down-and-dirty level (I hasten to clarify that ‘down-and-dirty’ shouldn’t be construed in anything like a ‘sexual’ way; only that we’ve talked on a pretty deep and heartfelt level), about our lives, our marriages, our kids, our faith – really basic, nitty-gritty stuff. And to Molly, that looks a lot like something that comes way too close to something that might be called an ‘emotional affair’ – an ‘inappropriate emotional attachment’ with a woman who is not my wife (recalling the scene from 300, when Queen Gorgo tells Leonidas, “There’s only one woman whose words should matter that much to you, and that’s me.”).
There’s actually a fair bit that appears around blog-space about ‘emotional affairs’, and how many women are even more upset by the emotional attachments their husbands might form with other women, than they would be if they were sexually unfaithful. And being a man, I don’t tick quite that way. My own ‘inner moral compass’ is set to something like, ‘don’t get sexual with women who aren’t your wife’ – simple and straightforward. And I totally missed the whole ‘emotional attachment’ thing. Which is a really big deal to my wife. And therefore, it needs to be much more on my radar. And that’s my ‘culpable cluelessness’.
I love Molly more than my own life, and I understand what kind of a Gift from God our marriage is. So I dare not jeopardize it in even the most insignificant way. Molly is not a jealous or fearful woman; quite the opposite, actually. The problem here is not her reaction, but my cluelessness.
See, to Molly, my close blog-friendships with women have the same ‘look and feel’ as if they were co-workers who I see regularly, and she rarely, if ever. And then I strike up close friendships with a few of these co-workers, and we discover lots of common ground, and get together regularly to talk about all the things we hold in common, etc, etc. Even if we had the best intentions, and nothing 'untoward' ever happened, such a friendship would be dangerous and unwise. Again, the ‘artificial distance’ of blog-space can kind-of tempt me to think that we’re not ‘connecting’ as much as we really are.
-------------------------
So, I need to come up with a way to adjust my thinking, just a bit, to have my ‘radar’ tuned to pick up on the kinds of emotional connections that are all too easy for me to make, without it even occurring to me that they’re happening.
It’s sad, in a way, that men and women can’t just be as relaxed and carefree around each other, as what we can be with our same-sex friends. Because I’ve met some women who are really wonderful people, whom I’ve wanted to get to know a whole lot better, and benefit from their experiences, and perspectives; and I just can’t do that quite as freely as I might wish I could. Because we’re human beings, and not angels – we’re not disembodied spirits, or ‘pure minds’ – and it doesn’t help to think that maybe we could be.
And so, once again, the Universe has made a fool of me. Now, when do I start to become wise? . . .
(*sigh*)
-- George MacDonald
-------------------------
There’s the famous scene from When Harry Met Sally, where Harry is telling Sally that men and women can never be ‘just friends’. And I understand what he’s saying. Because of the whole opposite-sex thing, men and women can’t have the same kind of relaxed, carefree friendships that men can have with other men, or women with other women (although, our culture is doing its very best to ‘sexualize’ even same-sex friendships). You always have to ‘be on your guard’, at least on some level, with members of the opposite sex.
I have had, and still have, good friends who are women – people whom I find interesting and challenging, whose company I enjoy. My GF2, who is now Molly’s best friend, is one of those. And virtually all of them are married themselves, which, in its way, is probably helpful – my friendships with the women can happen in the context of a relationship between the two couples. It’s never just ‘one-on-one’ with me and someone else’s wife (or, more to the point, any woman not my wife). But, as a man, and especially as a married man, I always have to ‘watch myself’. A few times in my life, I’ve had to ‘step back’ from a friendship with a married woman, as I’ve begun to recognize within myself an attraction to her (I mentioned one of these to Molly recently, thinking that I had managed to back off gracefully, without the woman knowing what was going on with me; “Oh, she knew,” my wife assured me).
-------------------------
Which brings me to the present day, and the special dynamics of blog-space friendships. My favorite part of blogging is the friendships you form, with all sorts of really fascinating people, both men and women. I don’t think I’m breaking any new news here, but lots of y’all are really interesting, and really great people; that’s why I keep hanging around. And a few of y’all, I’ve gotten to know better, ‘off-blog’, via email, phone calls, or even face-to-face. And I’ve enjoyed every one of those.
But the thing is, the ‘distance’ of blog-space – the fact that, while we’re in blog-space, we aren’t physically present to each other – can make it all seem ‘safe’, moreso than it would be if we all lived in the same neighborhood, and got together for coffee on our lunch hours, instead of sending electrons to each other in different states. And so, we can get a little ‘casual’ with each other, and ‘let our guard down’ with each other, in ways that we wouldn’t, if we were actually physically present to each other. And by and large, that’s not a terribly big deal.
But, I’m aware that, just as I have to be ‘circumspect’ in my real-life friendships with women, I also need to be careful about my opposite-sex blog-space friendships. I don’t want my blog-space friendships to undermine my real-world marriage (and you all know how much I value my marriage, and love my wife). So, I’ve tried to keep things ‘open and above-board’ with Molly – telling her about the various and sundry folks I meet in blog-space, keeping things ‘where she can see them’. Like many bloggers’ spouses, she’s not terribly interested in blogging herself; she’s mainly quite content to treat it as a hobby of mine, and have as little to do with it as she can get away with (even while being generously indulgent of driving multiple hours to another city with me to spend a weekend with a group of y’all). But, from time to time, I’ll print off some of my email exchanges, and have her read them, just to ‘keep me honest’. Just seems like a good idea to me. . .
-------------------------
So, I did that recently – printed off some of my emails, and showed them to Molly. Mostly just to let her see what I’m up to, but also to get the benefit of her eyes, and her mind – am I OK here, or should I be more careful with how I’m relating?
And she got upset. Which totally blind-sided me.
See, some of y’all ladies, I’ve made some strong friendships with. We’ve traded emails, and talked about our lives, sometimes on a pretty down-and-dirty level (I hasten to clarify that ‘down-and-dirty’ shouldn’t be construed in anything like a ‘sexual’ way; only that we’ve talked on a pretty deep and heartfelt level), about our lives, our marriages, our kids, our faith – really basic, nitty-gritty stuff. And to Molly, that looks a lot like something that comes way too close to something that might be called an ‘emotional affair’ – an ‘inappropriate emotional attachment’ with a woman who is not my wife (recalling the scene from 300, when Queen Gorgo tells Leonidas, “There’s only one woman whose words should matter that much to you, and that’s me.”).
There’s actually a fair bit that appears around blog-space about ‘emotional affairs’, and how many women are even more upset by the emotional attachments their husbands might form with other women, than they would be if they were sexually unfaithful. And being a man, I don’t tick quite that way. My own ‘inner moral compass’ is set to something like, ‘don’t get sexual with women who aren’t your wife’ – simple and straightforward. And I totally missed the whole ‘emotional attachment’ thing. Which is a really big deal to my wife. And therefore, it needs to be much more on my radar. And that’s my ‘culpable cluelessness’.
I love Molly more than my own life, and I understand what kind of a Gift from God our marriage is. So I dare not jeopardize it in even the most insignificant way. Molly is not a jealous or fearful woman; quite the opposite, actually. The problem here is not her reaction, but my cluelessness.
See, to Molly, my close blog-friendships with women have the same ‘look and feel’ as if they were co-workers who I see regularly, and she rarely, if ever. And then I strike up close friendships with a few of these co-workers, and we discover lots of common ground, and get together regularly to talk about all the things we hold in common, etc, etc. Even if we had the best intentions, and nothing 'untoward' ever happened, such a friendship would be dangerous and unwise. Again, the ‘artificial distance’ of blog-space can kind-of tempt me to think that we’re not ‘connecting’ as much as we really are.
-------------------------
So, I need to come up with a way to adjust my thinking, just a bit, to have my ‘radar’ tuned to pick up on the kinds of emotional connections that are all too easy for me to make, without it even occurring to me that they’re happening.
It’s sad, in a way, that men and women can’t just be as relaxed and carefree around each other, as what we can be with our same-sex friends. Because I’ve met some women who are really wonderful people, whom I’ve wanted to get to know a whole lot better, and benefit from their experiences, and perspectives; and I just can’t do that quite as freely as I might wish I could. Because we’re human beings, and not angels – we’re not disembodied spirits, or ‘pure minds’ – and it doesn’t help to think that maybe we could be.
And so, once again, the Universe has made a fool of me. Now, when do I start to become wise? . . .
(*sigh*)
Monday, March 26, 2007
Make Me Think
I've been nominated for a Thinking Blogger Award by Christian Husband, Recovering Soul, and Therese In Heaven. I'm truly flattered, and honored that folks like that count me as thoughtful. But, since, the protocol of the award is such that I'm not supposed to nominate the people who nominate me, I'd better hurry up and get this posted, while I still have some folks left whom I can nominate. . .
Here are the rules pertaining to the Thinking Blogger Award:
1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.
3. (Optional) Proudly display the ‘Thinking Blogger Award’ with a link to the post that you wrote.
See, all three of the folks who tagged me are folks whom I'd be happy, even eager, to tag. XH challenges me all the time to think through what I believe, and be able to articulate it to someone who might not share all of my prior assumptions. RS and Therese are an absolute breath of fresh air in blog-world for their commitment to their marriage, and for their determination to tell the truth about the real nature of marital infidelity. But, according to the protocols, I'm not supposed to nominate any of them. So, let's see if I can come up with five nominees without them. . .
1. FTN. His was the first blog I followed regularly. His newer readers might not even know that he started his blog to talk about his commitment to stay out of porn and masturbation, but that's how I met him - while surfing for some not-too-grody porn (ahem!). FTN, my friend, you challenged me to do better, and for that I thank you. Over the last year or so, you've also become a good friend. And for that, I thank you even more.
2. Flutterby. She blogs very poignantly about her own interior life and struggles, but I would nominate her for a TBA on the strength of her comments on FTN's Blogger Bible Study alone. She brings some amazing insights to the table in that one. . .
3. Different Kind of Girl. OK, technically, her name includes the prefix, 'For a'; lots of folks call her FADKOG, but that seems a little too 'Rage-Against-the-Machine-ish' for me. I hardly knew her before we spent a week together in FTN's Real Blogger World House, but I've come to know her for a real kickass friend. She writes very well about daily-life, marriage-and-family stuff, which means we share a fair bit of turf. It's been a pleasure gettin' to know ya, DKG.
4. Emily. Another RBWH veteran, altho I'd known her for a while before that. She's another blogger with a real ear for the poignant in human life. Sometimes her posts just break my heart, but she's a woman of real substance, and the integrity with which she comes at her life is highly admirable.
5. Finished Last. He's only become one of my regular reads in the last few months, but I really appreciate his posts. He's brutally honest with himself; I'm sure he's a very poor liar, and I mean that in the most complimentary sense. I must be drawn to poignant blogs; his definitely falls under that description, too. Anybody who has Charlie Brown for his icon deserves some kind of attention. . .
I want to make a couple of honorable-mention shout-outs - first to KJ, who started my blog for me nearly a year ago; she's not blogging anymore, but I wish her well (and her husband, and their marriage), wherever she is, and whatever she's up to. Also O272 (yet another RBWH vet), who still technically has a blog, but seems to have gone on hiatus. She was the master (mistress?) of the incisive question, and I always looked forward to her comments.
Gee, that wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Thanks again to the folks who tagged me - I sincerely mean it when I say I'm flattered. And those of you whom I tagged - YOU'RE IT!
(3 comments)
Here are the rules pertaining to the Thinking Blogger Award:
1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.
3. (Optional) Proudly display the ‘Thinking Blogger Award’ with a link to the post that you wrote.
See, all three of the folks who tagged me are folks whom I'd be happy, even eager, to tag. XH challenges me all the time to think through what I believe, and be able to articulate it to someone who might not share all of my prior assumptions. RS and Therese are an absolute breath of fresh air in blog-world for their commitment to their marriage, and for their determination to tell the truth about the real nature of marital infidelity. But, according to the protocols, I'm not supposed to nominate any of them. So, let's see if I can come up with five nominees without them. . .
1. FTN. His was the first blog I followed regularly. His newer readers might not even know that he started his blog to talk about his commitment to stay out of porn and masturbation, but that's how I met him - while surfing for some not-too-grody porn (ahem!). FTN, my friend, you challenged me to do better, and for that I thank you. Over the last year or so, you've also become a good friend. And for that, I thank you even more.
2. Flutterby. She blogs very poignantly about her own interior life and struggles, but I would nominate her for a TBA on the strength of her comments on FTN's Blogger Bible Study alone. She brings some amazing insights to the table in that one. . .
3. Different Kind of Girl. OK, technically, her name includes the prefix, 'For a'; lots of folks call her FADKOG, but that seems a little too 'Rage-Against-the-Machine-ish' for me. I hardly knew her before we spent a week together in FTN's Real Blogger World House, but I've come to know her for a real kickass friend. She writes very well about daily-life, marriage-and-family stuff, which means we share a fair bit of turf. It's been a pleasure gettin' to know ya, DKG.
4. Emily. Another RBWH veteran, altho I'd known her for a while before that. She's another blogger with a real ear for the poignant in human life. Sometimes her posts just break my heart, but she's a woman of real substance, and the integrity with which she comes at her life is highly admirable.
5. Finished Last. He's only become one of my regular reads in the last few months, but I really appreciate his posts. He's brutally honest with himself; I'm sure he's a very poor liar, and I mean that in the most complimentary sense. I must be drawn to poignant blogs; his definitely falls under that description, too. Anybody who has Charlie Brown for his icon deserves some kind of attention. . .
I want to make a couple of honorable-mention shout-outs - first to KJ, who started my blog for me nearly a year ago; she's not blogging anymore, but I wish her well (and her husband, and their marriage), wherever she is, and whatever she's up to. Also O272 (yet another RBWH vet), who still technically has a blog, but seems to have gone on hiatus. She was the master (mistress?) of the incisive question, and I always looked forward to her comments.
Gee, that wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Thanks again to the folks who tagged me - I sincerely mean it when I say I'm flattered. And those of you whom I tagged - YOU'RE IT!
(3 comments)
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